I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
