Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ttyl tear gas
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
