Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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