Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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