I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
