I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
