How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
