he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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