is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
