Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Panties = found
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