yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
