I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
