If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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