Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
