What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
