everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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