Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
