im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I want is dick and wine.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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