she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think i got beer on your cat.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
