So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
