hotel room ftw
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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