please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
