We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
