3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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