Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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