i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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