HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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