I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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