I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
