i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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