She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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