My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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