I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
