My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think my mom watched the whole time
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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