do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
