I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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