Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
