It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
