Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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