Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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