Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
