I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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