you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
