just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
