did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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