Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dignity is for republicans.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
