I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
