also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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