he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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