no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
