I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
